Life is all about being happy. I have found happiness in what my life is now. It's not complete happiness, but I enjoy what I have while I have it.

What's really hard to understand is that there is always a desire to have a partner. For me, I have always struggled with finding that person. Perhaps it was because the person I was with just wasn't working out or maybe it's because of the examples I see around me (lots of divorce).

I have loved before and I know that things happened for a reason and that's why those relationships are no longer. It is just difficult to look back upon things and realize that what you had was special but either you weren't in the right moment in your life to keep it or things in your life kept you from it.

I was thinking today about my ex-girlfriend and it's funny some of the things you will remember. I thought about walking through the dorms with her and how she use to have such a child-like personality. She had a great personality and while she was young, it was not a bad thing to have described her as childish. She was fun-loving and just enjoyed small goofy things. I really appreciated the things that she brought to my life. She made me realize that being a child sometimes was exactly what life is about. I just hope I provided her with some things that she appreciated as well. I thought about the moments I had with her and thought about how I missed it, but then I thought about the situation we were in and the adversity that we went through. We just weren't a good match at the time.

The same goes with the girlfriend I had before that.

Both women were wonderful and if given the right circumstances, I think either could have been a wonderful wife, but there was always something that stood in the way of allowing that to happen. I have always been independent in mind, but never in body. I live with my mother, even if it is beneficial for both of us, it is difficult to state that I am a grown man and independent when I still live with one of my parents. It's not like I am afraid to move out on my own. It's just difficult. Financially it just isn't smart. I could go out and get an apartment on my own, but I would be spending all my money just to pay the bills. Not to mention I would still have a million animals to take care of and where would I put them?

Good excuses I guess, but then I think about what I'm doing with my money and time now and I wonder what exactly I am trying to do in my life. I strive to be a good person and to keep good karma on my side but I have never been able to truly be successful. My relationships have failed for a number of reasons. One because I held on too tightly, another because I never could commit or let go of the past. Now that I think about it, a good number of potential relationships ended because I couldn't let go of my first relationship.

Add on top of that the fact that I can't ever save more than $1,000 at a time, life just really seems tough when you're looking at the top of the mountain all the way from the bottom of the valley. It's just funny because I am as happy now as I think I have ever been. I have a good number of friends, I have my family, and I have my health. I have a job which pays me decently and provides me with the benefits I need to maintain a healthy life. I'm even putting part of my paycheck every month into a 401k. I almost forgot about that.

I wonder if maybe I have left my life with so many open ends, meaning that I don't have a serious relationship or any worldly possessions that can keep me tied to one place. Perhaps I am waiting for that one moment to take my entire life and whisk me away to somewhere else. Or maybe not just a moment, but a person. I am happy, yet I always yearn for the yin to my yang. 陰陽

I have had it once, but it never seemed to be exactly right. I always try to tell myself, don't sweat the small things. Stop looking and it will come to you. Focus on the here and now, enjoy life and allow what comes to come. But you always wonder, don't you?

Life is good. But I'm still here wondering. I wonder what those old souls that I have met are doing. I wonder who will come into my life next. And I wonder where tomorrow will take me.